My anxiety formed a few years ago when dealing with some family related issues. My anxiety increased considerably after moving to university, and unfortunately now it does consume a large part of my daily life. One of my biggest problems with my anxiety is that it stops me from doing things I used to love. Once upon a time I was an obese, confident and outgoing person. Although I lacked confidence I could and would have a conversation with anybody. Even if I felt 'anxious' about doing something I could, if I had to, make myself do it - for example, ordering food in a restaurant was something I hated, but if needs must then it wasn't the end of the world. Nowadays, I can't eat a meal out - even in a McDonalds - without severe anxiety.
Last summer I wasn't in too bad a place - my anxiety was pretty low in comparison to what it had been throughout the year at university. I wasn't particularly outgoing but I loved meeting new people and going out with a big group of friends. I was working a lot during the summer and was very close to my now-boyfriend, Jonathan. Me and Jon were very close friends and decided to meet up in Liverpool for the day - the only time we had ever spent alone together and sober. My nerves were my biggest feeling that day and my anxiety was under control. Within a week we decided to book a holiday together.
Let me just reiterate - me and the boy I liked had only ever really spent time together once and we decided to book a holiday to Amsterdam for 4 days. This definitely could have been a terrible mistake, but as it turns out it was the best decision of my life.
Due to the fact that it was such a last minute decision I was working most days in the lead up to the holiday, and in the very few hours I had alone I was researching things to do, places to go and how to get there.
When I got to the train station to catch the train to Jon's - where I was to meet his family for the first time and stay the night in his room - I realised I had bought my train tickets for the wrong day and panic-rushed to buy another and get on the next train. Let me reiterate that being in a rush for a train and having to spend lots of money for another ticket is extremely stressful to me as is, but on the way to a boy's house to meet his family when we weren't even dating, to then spend the night in his room and go on holidays alone with him for 4 days? S. T. R. E. S. S.
I was extremely nervous about flying as I hadn't been on a plane in about 6 years - before my anxiety had developed. I was too nervous to eat the entire day, and I was stressed about landing the other end and getting on the right bus. (I will be posting another blog about 'my guide to Amsterdam' with tips on transport, hotels and tourist places so check that out too!)
We arrived safely, getting to the hotel extremely easily, and I found that once I was at the hotel I was calm. Despite having the usual stress of going away for the first time without my family, especially with a friend I didn't really know well in-person, I embraced and enjoyed my holiday.
This year, things were extremely different.
My boyfriend and I decided to go back to Amsterdam for our anniversary - as we count the first holiday as our 'first date'. However, my anxiety is much more severe this year. I struggle immensely with eating out the house, I find travelling on trains near impossible and I have been unable to work due to the daily struggles I'm having.
This year we flew from Birmingham airport,so Jon could get the train to mine and my mum could drive us there to try and save a little stress. Our flight was in the early morning so we decided to eat a Boots meal deal for our 'breakfast' as I refused to eat a big meal, as mornings are one of my most stressful times of day with my anxiety. Although I ate very little, the anxiety that I usually have with trains was still there, although nowhere near as bad. I was trying to focus as much as I could on the excitement of going back to the same hotel, and the same city that I have dreamt about constantly for the past year. Although it didn't cure me I was much, much better than I thought I would be.
As soon as I sat down in 26A my anxiety more or less turned off. Maybe holidays are how I have to beat this.
Going somewhere familiar was so good for me and my brain, being able to recognise where I was and how to get around saved me SO much stress and made my holiday so much better. I think if we do book another holiday I am going to have to do a lot of research to prepare myself as much as I can.
Some days I did think 'I just want to go back to the hotel room' - for comfort, not because I was anxious. We went out one evening to see what the city was like at night, and although my anxiety started to eat away at me a little beforehand, thinking 'what if its different', 'what if people are loud or drunk or whatever', 'what if, what if what if', but I didn't let it stop me - I knew if I wanted to go back to the hotel we could go back immediately. I made sure to stay in places where I knew my way around or how to get back to somewhere I knew, and stayed in more touristy areas where I knew people would be milling around. In the end it ended up being Jon the one that wanted to get back to the hotel because I wanted to stop to take photos of the beautiful canals at night every 5 seconds - despite them all looking relatively the same.
I struggled for the first few days with eating out, and we ended up eating a lot of sandwiches and snacks for our meals. This upset me a little, as I felt that my anxiety was winning - I wanted to have amazing meals on my amazing holiday with my amazing boyfriend, but something in my head literally just refused to let it happen. On the last two nights of our holiday, though, something else seemed to work, and we ate dinner in two lovely Italian restaurants - which really made my holiday.
On the way home, I think I was ready to be back in my little bedroom in my own comfort, and I didn't struggle with anxiety at all once we had gotten checked into the airport.
So, yes, my anxiety did fight me. And it did win sometimes, because that happens sometimes. But I won too. And it made my holiday so much better to think - yes, I did it.
There is nothing better than winning a battle against your own mind.
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