Stigma

I haven't been on this blog in a long while, unfortunately. Life has been getting in the way a lot, and although I'm making steps to improve everything it's not as easy as I thought it could be. That's not to say it can't be easy - I'm sure I'm just impatient.
Over the last few years of my life I have been the brunt of a lot of stigma. Stereotyping and judgement have been a familiar face to me, and I know that I'm going to be dealing with so much more and so much worse for the rest of my life. It sucks, but I guess that's life.
The last two years have been particularly difficult for me, personally. My anxiety and physical issues have been horrendous - truly horrendous.
I've recently started taking medication for my anxiety. For the first two weeks of one prescription I didn't stop crying for more than twenty minutes. I would be laughing one second and burst into tears the next. One comment could push me over the edge and I wasn't sure when it would end. I think the worst part, for me, was that I recognised the feelings I was having - I'd been there before and I'd been through a lot worse. I was given a new prescription and I'm doing better on it, but things are still hard. I didn't leave the house for eight days, I struggled to get out of bed and I did nothing but sleep or think about sleeping.
Today I felt productive. Maybe not I'm-going-to-a-lecture-and-I'm-going-to-tick-everything-off-my-list productive, but I've emailed a few people and I've at least done something. And then I started thinking about future jobs.
I'm in my final year of university and I am petrified of the future. Truly, truly petrified. I struggled at my last job due to the high-pressure feeling of working with the public all day. I struggle to go to seminars or doctors appointments because I feel trapped. For me, my anxiety is changing from a mental panic to a physical issue, which is absolutely bloody horrible.
But for the first time in a long time I felt a little bit of hope. At least that's what I think it was. I may not be a writer for five years, I might not ever be a successful writer. But today I think I really understood that I don't have to work in the public sphere. I don't have to work with anybody but myself. I can be incharge of myself if I want to. I made a list in my journal of potential things of not only things I could do, but things I wanted to do. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but at least this way nobody else can come to me and stigmatise or judge or reprimand me for having a mental health issue.
To anybody that knows someone else suffering with a mental health issue: just be nice to them. Be understanding and help them in every and any way you feel you can. Because it really is not easy - we don't want this, but we have it. And sometimes a helping hand could change someone's day - it could even save their life.

Twenty in Tenerife | Travel

Apologies that I haven't posted in a while - I've been trying to get back in the swing of things starting my third year at university which has been a little challenging. I have a second article going up on Mental Health Today very soon which I was so pleased to be asked to do - follow me on Twitter for updates on everything going on! (@svwords)

A few weeks ago on the 25th August, me and my boyfriend jetted off for our second summer holiday to Tenerife. I've visited briefly once before and have a lot of family and friends that visit too, so it was an easy choice to make for a relaxing week in the sun.
We booked with Jet2 - something I have to admit I was a little sceptical about but the whole holiday was a breeze, so I'd definitely recommend using them. The only problem was that the flights tended to always be afternoon or late-night. We flew from Birmingham airport, grabbing a WHSmith meal deal - something which turned out to be a great idea, as due to a delayed flight we didn't get to our hotel until past 10pm, meaning the restaurant and on-site supermarket was closed. We stayed in Panoramica Heights in Costa Adeje, and chose a half-board option to save us cooking, and the staff had left us a plate of food in our room as we missed dinner which was so nice of them. The hotel wasn't in the centre of Adeje, but at the top of a hill - although walking back up the hill wasn't as bad as we thought it would be whatsoever, like many of the reviews suggest, we did usually get a taxi back because of the humidity. When you first arrive you are asked to pay €20 euros deposit for the TV remote and €20 for the air con remote - you will need the air con so bare this in mind. You also had to pay for the safe in your room but as my suitcase has a lock we decided not to do this as we hadn't budgeted enough.

Our hotel room was a 'One-bedroom apartment' and it was MASSIVE. There was a kitchenette with frying pans, plates, cutlery, a can opener, ladels - you name it. So it was definitely easy to cook for yourself here instead of always eating out - although it did lack an oven, we had a microwave. The balcony was big, with a rack to hang your wet clothes on and even an ashtray. There was a supermarket on-site to buy any basic things you needed, and we bought an 8L bottle of water for 1.50 as the tap water didn't taste too amazing. You will also need to buy your own washing up liquid which is a little annoying as it felt a big waste. Breakfast and dinner were both buffet-style, with a very wide range of things to choose from. Dinner varied theme each night, and the food was so delicious we ended up having 2 servings of both breakfast and dinner almost every day... We took walks into town, sunbathed and swam in the pool everyday. I took many 'siestas' and we ate a LOT. There was a lizard invading our room and climbing up the curtains but this only happened once luckily.
On the 28th I turned 20, so we celebrated by sunbathing (or rather...sunburning) by the pool, swimming, napping and eating a LOT. My boyfriend asked the Jet2 rep that came to the site about any good ways to celebrate, and we were told to visit Playa de las Americas for some good bars. Tiredness and my anxiety wavered over us a little and we decided just to head into Adeje for a drink or two as it was close to home and we hadn't yet been in a taxi there yet... unfortunately we spoke very very little Spanish, and our taxi driver spoke no English, so instead of taking us into Adeje he took us the complete wrong way and we ended up outside the exact bar we had originally planned to go in Playa de Las Americas. If you visit the south of Tenerife you HAVE to go here!

We pulled up outside the Hard Rock, surrounded by tourists (families and children running around made us feel very safe). The buildings were covered in twinkly lights, music played and there was a fountain display right in the middle of it all. We sat in a bar called Harry's, right in the top centre of it all. The drinks were only €8.50 each - but to 2 students who were planning on a cheap night we only had one drink each which were amazing. We strolled along the promenade soaking up the atmosphere and watching the world go by. The only thing that made me a little uncomfortable whilst being in Tenerife were all the people selling sunglasses and braiding hair that would walk along and try and persuade you to buy things from them.
A few days later we decided to go to Siam Park - something we were both extremely excited for. I'd done a lot of research beforehand, and we decided to buy the premium tickets for £48 instead of the regular tickets for £32. This meant we had the use of a towel and locker and tickets for lunch instead of having to take loads of extra cash with us on the day - although we did have to pay a deposit for the locker key and towels so be sure to bare that in mind. A taxi ride to here only cost us around €6 and we already knew this from visiting Siam Mall which is right next to it. We bought fast passes for the afternoon (2-6pm) as soon as we got there, which only cost €15 each and is HIGHLY recommended.
We queued for a few rides in the morning and went around the lazy river - which also has its own little ride on if you 'queue' for it, where you end up in a tube through a tank of sharks (this turned out to be our favourite ride in the whole park and we went round it a LOT). For lunch we headed to the main restaurant area with our tickets - they were both for €15 euros worth of food and drink each, which meant altogether we got 2 hot dogs, 2 packets of fries, 2 cans of 7up, 2 cans of kopparberg, 2 chocolate bars and a packet of crisps and ended up taking the majority of it home because we were so full. Our online tickets also allowed us a free burger but as it was valid for 365 days we decided to save it if we go back next year as it seemed a waste of food. Then the fast passes started - we started with the smaller, less popular rides first with our fast passes and skipped the majority of the queues that were now over 40 minutes long. By 3-4pm we had finished these rides and decided to go on the bigger ones - Singha, The Volcano, The Dragon etc. and basically skipped the entire queue immediately so if you do go definitely consider getting them so you don't waste the whole day in a line. The passes allow you to go on each ride once and a spare for an extra ride, so when we had done them all we went round the lazy river a few times and changed to go home and buy souvenirs. At the end of the day I felt extremely uneasy from all the being-thrown-about-many-feet-in-the-air-surrounded-by-gushing-water so we rushed out to a taxi and got home (meaning my boyfriend accidentally bought a child's size baseball cap...).

Siam Mall

We liked walking into Adeje and strolling along the seafront going rockpooling. The town has a nice breeze to it so you never get too hot, although it is extremely humid so it's not difficult to get a bit sweaty. We visited the SuperDino supermarkets for cheap vodka (around €7 for a good quality litre of vodka) and fresh milka doughnuts and muffins. I also found the two new loves of my life - Strawberry Fanta and Risketo's Crisps.
On our last day we had to check out at 11am, meaning a 7 hour wait until our coach came to pick us up to take us to the airport where our flight wasn't until 9pm. This meant it was a really long day that felt lost as we couldn't really go swimming or go to far so that's definitely something to keep in mind. We took a walk along the hills near our hotel, past all the mansions and lizard spotting galore. When we got back we realised there was also a Games Room on-site so we played pool (which I succesfully beat my boyfriend at and will never let him live down) and air hockey. Luckily there was a room in the hotel full of recliner sofa chairs and a TV playing Antiques Roadshow so we were able to sit in there charging our phones. We bought lunch from the restaurant downstairs which was cheap and good quality and bided our times until we were picked up.

I already can't wait to go back.

University and Mental Health

This may be my last post on mental health and anxiety for a while but I think it may be one of the most important.
A Levels are one of the most stressful times of our lives, and the never ending wait to find out your results and whether you got into university is one of the most agonising periods I have endured.
Due to some family issues, my anxiety started to develop during my year 11 exams, but it only came out at times of high pressure and I was able to carry on relatively normally. I still had the voice in my head but it was under control. I very rarely had panic attacks, and considered my anxiety almost too small to label as anxiety.
When it comes to assessments and exams I, since year 11/12, have put myself under immense pressure. I tell myself I can't do things that I usually enjoy - no matter how minimal like watching a film or baking a cake - because 'I can do it after exams'. I tell myself that this is only a short period I'll be under pressure for and the results will be worth it because the prospects I get from those results last longer than the stress.
It wasn't until the night before results day that I realised that I did infact want to go to university. Up until that point the thought of all the work, the debt and being tied down to one subject was extremely daunting. I was alone for the few days prior to and on results day, and I realised that there was nothing else I wanted to do other than go to university. Getting the confirmation that morning was such a euphoric feeling, because I genuinely believed I had done terribly in my exams.
2 weeks before I moved to university I turned 18, I was working most of the time, and when I wasn't working I was packing. I had very little time to meet up with friends or family and get everything together before I moved but I managed it somehow. This meant that by the time I got to university I was already exhausted from working so much, I was obviously petrified of meeting new people as my anxiety had slowly grown over my confident personality that was able to speak to everybody and anybody, and I'd never been to a club or been 'properly' drunk - something that everyone tells you is the best part of university.
I managed to make a few friends, and was very close with my flatmates and a few coursemates, but slowly my anxiety and depression surged. I refused to get any help from my GP or counselling and I allowed myself to hit rock bottom. I wasn't eating or leaving my room and things got bad.
In my refusal to go to my GP I decided to start going out - friends invited me to parties, where I met more and more new people. I was a few months late to the bandwagon but I started to experience what has been my real university experience. I am not at all saying that partying is the best way to do anything - especially under the circumstances that surround mental health. But once I started pushing myself, and making more friends, I started to feel myself again.
Looking back, if I could have easily left university - and at times I was very close to doing so. I started to take better care of myself - doing things I wanted and enjoyed, eating better and getting more exercise (dancing to the cha cha slide every monday night counts as exercise right?).
By the end of my first year I was so ecstatic with my life, I couldn't have asked for anything better.
Now, going into my third year of university, I am struggling again with mental health under different circumstances. It isn't so easy for me to do things in the way of going out with friends and getting exercise due to physical health problems.

So, all of this chat with one message: go and get some help.
Go to the GP, go to counselling (you can get free student counselling, and whilst it isn't always the most prestine help, it is at least help), go to your friends and family and ask their advice. If you don't want to go alone you can get a friend to come with you, you can write a letter to the GP explaining your circumstances if you feel unable to tell them face to face. If you aren't happy with your situation you can change it - and so many better things and happier times are out there for you to have. If you feel like your GP or counsellor hasn't given you the best advice or treatment you can ask for another opinion. You do not have to be stuck. You are not alone. You are wonderful, so make sure you feel it.
Give yourself time, be good to yourself, and enjoy everything. Or make everything enjoyable.
And to everyone that's just recieved their results and are off to university: congratulations. This is the beginning of your life and you will love every single second.

If you struggle with mental health you can always go to mind.org.uk for help, or visit your GP.

A Guide To Amsterdam: Places to go, Transport and Things to do

Amsterdam is one of the most beautiful, busy, multi-cultural and amazing places to go.
A 2-hour flight away with plenty to do, this is something that definitely needs to be on everyone's bucket list.
I have been twice in the last year or so, and I am in love with this city, so I thought I would make a post about things I know and found useful when travelling there.

Travel and Accomodation

Maps were top of my list when I visited last year, and the best one I found was a random map somebody had left on the bus, but they are available everywhere. You can buy maps from tourist shops but many places and hotels have them for free. This year I was able to use my phone contract with Vodafone the same as I would in the UK without any additional charges, which was AMAZING for a quick check up as to where we were or wanted to go.
We stayed in Hotel Vossius, which is  right next to one of the entrances to Vondelpark and a literal 2 minute walk from the Rijksmuseum and all the major bus and tram stops.
Travelling from the Schiphol Airport we caught the 197 bus to the Rijksmuseum which cost €5 and can purchased right outside the bus stop from a  red van (it looks a little sketchy but it's honestly fine). You can also buy your tickets straight from the driver too.
Hotel Vossius is where I've stayed on both visits, as it meant a lot to us personally when staying the second time, and we were able to ask for the same room as before. The staff are really lovely and friendly, and willing to help with everything. They are great to ask for recommendations of things to do or where to go and were always really kind to us. They also told us that booking directly through their website can sometimes be cheaper, especially if you've stayed before. The desk is 24 hours, with optional breakfasts too.

The most beautiful window in the world

Tourism

Next is the list of things we did over both visits (it's easier to put into one long list, as the first time we visited it was the hottest weekend of the year and it was very difficult to do much at all, this year was also extremely warm and sunny but nowhere near as bad).

• Rijksmuseum. This is a big museum full of beautiful art (and air conditioning), it cost €19.50 but was free for under 19's, so if you're 18 make sure to take ID. We didn't book tickets but bought them directly from the desk. You can't take big bags in with you but they do have a free cloakroom for rucksacks and luggage. 
• Anne Frank Huis. The Anne Frank House was extremely high on my to-do list as we weren't able to go last year due to tickets being in high demand. I can't recommend this museum enough, it was beautifully done with handset-style tour guides in different languages. Tickets were €9 each, but make sure you book as soon as possible. 
• Van Gogh Museum. Although not high up on my list this was definitely something I wanted to do. I'm not the biggest art fan in the world but it felt wrong to go all that way (especially twice) and not see the museum. I'll admit I was very hot, tired and hangry so I could've been in better spirits, but I found the museum to be very busy and overcrowded in the afternoon. People would stand right infront of the art -which I completely understand- but my polite British side came out and I ended up just walking round quite quickly and not being too overwhelmed by it all. I did find the story of Van Gogh's life extremely interesting though, and really enjoyed the way the museum was done in different parts, showing his inspirations and experiences. Tickets cost €17 each. Although something worth doing whilst there, it's not something I'll be rushing back to.
• Glow Golf. I promised my boyfriend a game of Glow Golf - crazy golf under luminous lighting and found myself surprisingly enjoying myself. Finding it turned out to be a little tricky, as it was in the basement of a random pub on the outskirts of the city, but it was definitely worth doing whilst there. I believe tickets cost around €9 each, and you can either book a slot on their website or turn up to play and have a drink if you find there's a waiting time.

 Food

In terms of eating, the only real 'delicacies' of Amsterdam are cheese, stroopwaffles and pancakes. Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn't like any of these and the closest we got were churros. 

There are multiple places to eat dotted everywhere in Amsterdam, so it won't take much to find somewhere you fancy. I noticed most places where either eat-and-go style such as New York Pizza, Wok to Walk or little cafes that sold sweet and savoury treats such as macarons, churros, pancakes or fries. When trying to find actual restuarants we found a lot of steakhouse-style places, and a lot of Italian restaurants. The greatest thing to do here is to stroll around and try and find somewhere, rather than setting your heart on one place and it being too busy. Because we visited on the hottest weekend of the year, most restaurants allowed us to eat outside, watching the sunset and the passers-by which was absolutely beautiful.

We found a lot of waiters or store workers to either be extremely friendly or quite closed off. For example, whenever visiting the supermarket the staff were always extremely friendly and helpful, even in the busiest of times, speaking better English than us. In some restaurants though sometimes waiters would take our order and bring our food extremely fast, but it took a while to catch anyone's eye for the bill. However, when overhearing a conversation next to us between some very rude Americans, it isn't hard to see why people's mood change during a busy period of working. Put yourself in their shoes, mate, come on. 

If I think of any more good-to-know information about Amsterdam I'll be sure to update it, or let me know if there's anything you'd like to know whilst planning or booking a trip. 

Bon Voyage! 

Travelling with my Anxiety

Anxiety is experienced differently by everybody - to some it incapcitates their daily life, to others it may be more a background whisper in their mind, but I think that everybody has experienced it in some way or another at some point. I do find, however, that part of the stigma of mental health is not understanding others. You may well have experienced anxiety at some point - whether for a short period of time or on a more serious, consistent basis, but no matter what you're anxiety is different to somebody else's. We all have different brains with different thoughts and that means different experiences of mental health.
My anxiety formed a few years ago when dealing with some family related issues. My anxiety increased considerably after moving to university, and unfortunately now it does consume a large part of my daily life. One of my biggest problems with my anxiety is that it stops me from doing things I used to love. Once upon a time I was an obese, confident and outgoing person. Although I lacked confidence I could and would have a conversation with anybody. Even if I felt 'anxious' about doing something I could, if I had to, make myself do it - for example, ordering food in a restaurant was something I hated, but if needs must then it wasn't the end of the world. Nowadays, I can't eat a meal out - even in a McDonalds - without severe anxiety.
Last summer I wasn't in too bad a place - my anxiety was pretty low in comparison to what it had been throughout the year at university. I wasn't particularly outgoing but I loved meeting new people and going out with a big group of friends. I was working a lot during the summer and was very close to my now-boyfriend, Jonathan. Me and Jon were very close friends and decided to meet up in Liverpool for the day - the only time we had ever spent alone together and sober. My nerves were my biggest feeling that day and my anxiety was under control. Within a week we decided to book a holiday together.
Let me just reiterate - me and the boy I liked had only ever really spent time together once and we decided to book a holiday to Amsterdam for 4 days. This definitely could have been a terrible mistake, but as it turns out it was the best decision of my life.
Due to the fact that it was such a last minute decision I was working most days in the lead up to the holiday, and in the very few hours I had alone I was researching things to do, places to go and how to get there.
When I got to the train station to catch the train to Jon's - where I was to meet his family for the first time and stay the night in his room - I realised I had bought my train tickets for the wrong day and panic-rushed to buy another and get on the next train. Let me reiterate that being in a rush for a train and having to spend lots of money for another ticket is extremely stressful to me as is, but on the way to a boy's house to meet his family when we weren't even dating, to then spend the night in his room and go on holidays alone with him for 4 days? S. T. R. E. S. S.
I was extremely nervous about flying as I hadn't been on a plane in about 6 years - before my anxiety had developed. I was too nervous to eat the entire day, and I was stressed about landing the other end and getting on the right bus. (I will be posting another blog about 'my guide to Amsterdam' with tips on transport, hotels and tourist places so check that out too!)
We arrived safely, getting to the hotel extremely easily, and I found that once I was at the hotel I was calm. Despite having the usual stress of going away for the first time without my family, especially with a friend I didn't really know well in-person, I embraced and enjoyed my holiday.

This year, things were extremely different.
My boyfriend and I decided to go back to Amsterdam for our anniversary - as we count the first holiday as our 'first date'. However, my anxiety is much more severe this year. I struggle immensely with eating out the house, I find travelling on trains near impossible and I have been unable to work due to the daily struggles I'm having.
This year we flew from Birmingham airport,so Jon could get the train to mine and my mum could drive us there to try and save a little stress. Our flight was in the early morning so we decided to eat a Boots meal deal for our 'breakfast' as I refused to eat a big meal, as mornings are one of my most stressful times of day with my anxiety. Although I ate very little, the anxiety that I usually have with trains was still there, although nowhere near as bad. I was trying to focus as much as I could on the excitement of going back to the same hotel, and the same city that I have dreamt about constantly for the past year. Although it didn't cure me I was much, much better than I thought I would be.
As soon as I sat down in 26A my anxiety more or less turned off. Maybe holidays are how I have to beat this.
Going somewhere familiar was so good for me and my brain, being able to recognise where I was and how to get around saved me SO much stress and made my holiday so much better. I think if we do book another holiday I am going to have to do a lot of research to prepare myself as much as I can.

Some days I did think 'I just want to go back to the hotel room' - for comfort, not because I was anxious. We went out one evening to see what the city was like at night, and although my anxiety started to eat away at me a little beforehand, thinking 'what if its different', 'what if people are loud or drunk or whatever', 'what if, what if what if', but I didn't let it stop me - I knew if I wanted to go back to the hotel we could go back immediately. I made sure to stay in places where I knew my way around or how to get back to somewhere I knew, and stayed in more touristy areas where I knew people would be milling around. In the end it ended up being Jon the one that wanted to get back to the hotel because I wanted to stop to take photos of the beautiful canals at night every 5 seconds - despite them all looking relatively the same.

I struggled for the first few days with eating out, and we ended up eating a lot of sandwiches and snacks for our meals. This upset me a little, as I felt that my anxiety was winning - I wanted to have amazing meals on my amazing holiday with my amazing boyfriend, but something in my head literally just refused to let it happen. On the last two nights of our holiday, though, something else seemed to work, and we ate dinner in two lovely Italian restaurants - which really made my holiday.

On the way home, I think I was ready to be back in my little bedroom in my own comfort, and I didn't struggle with anxiety at all once we had gotten checked into the airport.

So, yes, my anxiety did fight me. And it did win sometimes, because that happens sometimes. But I won too. And it made my holiday so much better to think - yes, I did it. 

There is nothing better than winning a battle against your own mind.

The City That Stole My Heart | Amsterdam

Whenever I hear the name of this beautiful city my heart skips a beat. Amsterdam. Even the thought of it puts a smile on my face.

Last year my friend and I decided to take a spontaneous trip to Amsterdam - spontaneous in the sense that we had spent very little time together alone, and booked the trip 6 days before flying. 6 days to research, plan, pack, prepare and go.
The reason that Amsterdam is so dear to my heart is that it is not just the city than began my desire to travel the world. I didn't just fall in love with the canals and the sunshine and the tourists, but I fell in love with the boy I went with. So, yes, I'm biased. But I think anyone who has visited the hustle and bustle of this city is also biased.

We stayed in the Vossius Hotel next to Vondelpark which I highly recommend as a location. It wasn't too deep into the busy canal streets to get the disturbance of the nightlife, but close enough that we were able to walk around the city centre and get any buses and trams to other tourist locations. The large window opened over the bed, with thin white curtains flowing over us when a breeze came along, which was the perfect movie moment. We were a few minutes walk from the bus stop near the Rijksmuseum. Almost as soon as we got into our hotel room we were back out to buy a picnic to sit at sunset in Vondelpark, surrounded by groups of people basking in the heat - as we coincidentally decided to go the hottest weekend of 2016 - and gentle jazz music being played as we looked across the ponds.

Vondelpark

Seeing as it was the hottest weekend of the year this did mean we were a little hindered in our activities - our second day of the holiday we were too hot to walk anymore and headed back to the hotel room to have a break and a nap (DISCLAIMER: if you do visit this hotel room on the hottest weekend of the year please know that rooms like ours had no air con).

We spent the majority of our time strolling the streets and canals and visiting the quirky shops around the city. We did visit the Rijksmuseum on our last day - which was free for under 19's - and the air con definitely improved this experience.

The Rijksmuseum Gardens

The reason I'm writing this post almost a year post-holiday is because me and the now-boyfriend I first went with have just booked to go again for our one year anniversary. As first dates go, the holiday I've never been able to get out of my head since is certainly one for the books.

Amsterdam - I will always love you, and I'll see you soon x

Concern

You don’t look like an anxious person.

No, I don’t.

Does anyone? Is my anxiety defined by the way the colour of my eyes marble between blue and grey? Are my panic attacks measured in the same way my height or weight is? Perhaps my bouts of irritability or fear of the unfamiliar fluctuates depending on if I’m wearing Converse or Vans?

 It’s not that I agree or disagree. I know that I do not seem like an anxious person – not always. But I also know that this person - and many of the others that tell me I don’t ‘seem’ anxious - do not see me in tears, unable to breathe. Or speak. Or think. All for no obvious or apparent reason.

It reminds me that I’m not entirely sure of who I am. Or what I am. If I don’t seem anxious now, does that mean I’m not?

You need to find something to sort that out. Breathing, or something.

The woman who brought me into this world sometimes seems to be the least caring of all. It is not that she doesn’t care – I know that, but my anxiety doesn’t. It is just that she does not understand. Sometimes I’m not sure that anybody understands.

I know that people are capable of understanding, but they will never be able to experience; burnt lungs, like I have been running a marathon; tears streaming from my face faster than I can wipe them away. I feel other-worldly. Not quite supernatural. Nor unnatural. It is like I am somewhere between this world and the next. Numbness. My head encased in bubble wrap. Sometimes scratching my skin to the point of drawing blood in a desperate attempt to bring me back to a point where I can even recognise the fact I am alive.

And here I am, being told I need to ‘find a way to sort it out’. As if my brain is a quick fix, rather than a lifetime arrangement.

They’re just not worth it, you know you’re better than that.

Yes, of course I do. I suppose. But that is not the reason I am in this state. It was too loud. Too many people. Too warm. Too cold. Too many ‘too many’s’ that I cannot control. Too much of being used to it but still always being caught off guard.

Have you ever harmed yourself?

He is young; dark hair; strong jawline. I wish they were the only things I remember from that night. He couldn’t find the vein in my arm. He wasn’t particularly nice. Then again, it was 3am. The waiting room was cold. I was exhausted beyond words. I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to come in the first place. I didn’t want any help. I didn’t need it. But there I was.

Some days I don’t think about it. Some days I dream of it. I miss it. It is part of me. There is no day where I control it.

Are you okay? You look worn down.

Yes.

I haven’t eaten a meal over 300 calories in five days. My head pounds more naturally than breathing. All I see is grey. Everything I see is grey. Like my life has become the pathetic fallacy of an overcast day. I can plaster on makeup, but if I carry on I will be dying. It is not that I don’t care. I want to live. I just want to be thinner doing it. I want to be better doing it. From obesity to starvation all in acts of desperation that nobody sees nor hears.

But ‘yes’, I tell them. I am okay.

How do you feel when you’re anxious? I get stressed too.

I ask him every day if he still loves me. And then, again – if he’s sure he loves me.

I know he does. I pick it up in the ways he wakes me up in the night when I might be having a bad dream. In the way he kisses me with sleepy eyes. The way he holds me close whilst I sob like most people will never cry as long as they live. The way he escorts me to all my doctors’ appointments. But it is all these things that make me question if he loves me –if he could ever really love somebody like me. How can he love someone that survives day-to-day without really living?

I can be a strong character – strong minded, willing to make the joke that other people wouldn’t dare to – but I am more fragile than snowflakes and wine glass stems and dandelions on a windy day.

One loud noise. A voice downstairs I do not immediately recognise. Waking up before him. Waking up after him. Using cutlery I don’t like. The dark. Crowded spaces. Running late. Being early. Being tired. Being unorganised. Not understanding. Sitting down. Standing up.

It can all end in desperate lungs like oxygen no longer exists, throat burning like bonfire night, eyes stinging like wasps in the summertime, sobbing like it is the end of the world, shaking like an Earthquake.

But I don’t look anxious.

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